Conflict

My days are defined by true ebb and flow. Some have a distinct pattern to them like the rise and fall of the tide. Others are impossible to predict like dark and stormy seas that give way to blue sky and calm water. What is consistent in each day, like a journey at sea, is conflict and growth. It has been three months since I returned from France. During this interlude, my camera has laid dormant, as I seek out a balance between the confluence of personal, family, and worldly events. Something about my inner conflict has also pulled me away from my writing, the same tool that is at the foundation of my creative expression. Something tells me that those feelings are all related.

The conflict in my life feels as nuanced as life itself, and it arrives multiple times a day in distinct boxes and packages. Most of my conflict is as small as a postcard and the moments come and go in brevity. Some of my conflicts show up unexpectedly in all too official envelopes, containing much too daunting documents, that I tell myself I should read through, and always sit untouched on my desk for weeks on end. Other conflict I order ahead of time and am excited to receive the joy of its contents. Then there is the conflict that is overwhelming, that arrives in a collection of unwieldy boxes with parts that don’t seem to fit together and directions that are written in foreign languages. Conflict is everywhere and often. It is expected and surprising. It is simple and complex. It is encouraging and overwhelming. Conflict encompasses a multitude of feelings that I have on a daily basis.

Conflict is used to describe wildly complex events such as war, competition, and internal struggle. Within each of those concepts is an even wider breadth of context and detail, and while I have always understood the definition of the word, I only ever associated it with the feeling of exhaustion. The exhaustion of fighting unwinnable battles, dealing with constant emotional struggle, of perpetual loss.

It was only natural that I began to avoid conflict and pretend that it never existed in the first place, and damn are there plenty of great ways to ignore conflict! Here are my current favorites:

• Joking away my conflict
• Eating away my conflict
• Binge-watching away my conflict
• And the one and only ignorance, if I avoid it, then it doesn’t exist.

Unfortunately for me, there is a fatal flaw in the association between conflict and avoidance, conflict is all around us and it is here to stay. It is a shared human experience and seems to be as natural as love, joy, grief, and shame. As people grow and seek their own path, conflict is guaranteed to greet them along the way. I feel conflict every day in the classroom with my students, when I spend time with my family, when I walk around my community, and especially when I read the news. If my conflict continues to be bitterly exhausting, then I don’t stand much of a chance.

While my conflict often begins in interactions that I have with others or myself, it always seems to settle into the crevices of my mind and set up camp in my consciousness. Although I was initially hesitant to seek it out, I have learned to identify the onset of the specific stress and become more aware of it. That discernment process has been arduous, but it has helped me realize that conflict brings me to the present moment, heightens my awareness, and is the beginning of restoration.

If life is a journey across a long wooded trail, then harmony is the slow and quiet waltz through tall meadows high atop the mountain range. It is soothing to our nerves and restful for our minds. It is this part of the trail that we seek to find and submit to its comfort. And this harmony rarely lasts. Conflict appears at the end of the meadows towards the descent into the dense forest. The trail of conflict is necessary to travel in order to reach our destination, but it disrupts our flow and challenges our serenity. It is my feeling of dread when I stand at the crossroads and the feeling of exhaustion as I trudge over muddy trails, back and forth between switchbacks, and through deep streams.

Conflict is also the feeling of accomplishment at the end of the journey, it is the feeling of strength, resiliency, and growth. One would never enter into conflict if there wasn’t a gift along the way. It is both a challenge and a reward. It is one of the deepest practices of delayed gratification and self-exploration a person can seek. As I get quiet and pursue harmony along my own path, I become more sensitive to disruptive situations. Although they challenge me at the moment, I believe there is growth in each experience. I know that each event is an opportunity to use my strengths, practice my tools, and change the way that I perceive conflict. It exists to challenge my perceptions and in so doing, broaden my understanding of the world. It is not here to harm or exhaust me, it is here to guide and teach me.

Practiced little by little over time, learning from conflict becomes less exhausting and more affirming. Looking back on how I confronted conflict with fear and avoidance, shows me how complacent and closed off I was from growth. How my fear was a shield that I used to protect me from harm and although it was an effective tool, the shield weighed me down and stunted my growth. The tool that protected me was the tool I needed to let go of in order to grow strong in courage and compassion.

Without conflict, there is no growth. Today, our world is engulfed in conflict. Police brutality and loss of life, Black Lives Matter protests, COVID resurgence, joblessness, recession. They tear us apart internally through prolonged uncertainty, ambiguous loss, anticipatory grief, and constant stress (What is this feeling? By Esther Perel). More and more, it seems like another unwinnable battle. My journey is to find a way to navigate all of these conflicts in a healthy way and do what I can to support each cause. I can respond by leaning into what is good and practicing wholehearted living (Gifts of Imperfections by Brene Brown). Over time, as each personal practice continues to align my actions with who I am, I can practice showing up as my authentic self to greet each conflict as it truly is:

• An opportunity to deepen my understanding of the human experience
• A lesson in the complexity of people, life, and the connection between it all
• A practice of compassion towards everyone

I have my daily struggles showing up as my authentic self, and this compounds the difficulty of perceiving particularly complicated conflicts as learning opportunities. But I know that through daily practice and a little bit of self-compassion, the journey will continue to unfold in beautiful and unforeseen ways. Just as the sky darkens and the sea begins to rage, do I find the space and the strength to commit to the coming storm and seek the growth that accompanies it. Only then can I appreciate the deep harmony of a life full of meaning.

Huge thanks to my bestie in wholehearted living Abby who introduced me to Brene Brown and Esther Perel. They are now a seminal part of my journey and have helped me grow through these challenging times.