It is day two of the confinement. The most challenging part of my experience has been a lack of trustworthy information. My host family keeps the news running throughout the day to stay current with the flurry of updates which would be helpful were they not in French. They communicate with me the best they can but the information that I receive feels like it’s gone through a game of telephone. It all feels like a statement without a source, a rumor that has run amok and planted itself in me filling me with more questions and doubt. On Sunday night, we watched the French president make an address to the nation and I could feel the gravity of the moment, I just couldn’t quite understand 98% of what he was saying. I waited for English news sites to translate the address. I waited for reporters to summarize the information. In today’s 24-second news cycle, I felt perilously lost like I was missing the key piece of information that would alleviate my fear.
My fear was directly tied to the unknown. The rumors were that President Macron would move to confine the entire country. All businesses would close including grocery stores and pharmacies. No one would be allowed to leave their homes for 45 days. This filled me with dread. Being outside and going on walks was a significant portion of my well being. Walks are my exercise, they are my meditation, they are my stress release, and they are my connection with nature. They allow me to think my thoughts until there are no more thoughts to think. To call them important to my daily routine would be an understatement. They are my lifeline. Full confinement would mean no walks. Cooped up indoors for 45 days. A feeling that I had not felt in some time arose, panic.
My mind started to race as it searched for ways to cope with the imaginary situation the rumors had created. It has a beautiful ability to use imagination to transport me out of a stressful situation and into a better one. For the first time, I contemplated abandoning the trip and returning home. I imagined myself social distancing at home but at least I would be around family and friends. For a moment I felt comforted, then the present moment pulled me from my bliss and back into reality. I was reminded once again that even positive thoughts are fleeting and that I could not control the present moment so easily. I would have to learn from the uncertainty and find a way through the fog toward clarity.
This lead me to reflect on the definition of control. I felt at the mercy of forces that were creating uncertainty and doubt in my life and I was having difficulty making sense of it all. In my journal, I started a list of external forces that were affecting me directly that I had no control over. To start, the weather and the release date for the next Game of Thrones book (come on George this is your moment!). My list continued, this global pandemic, the spread of the virus and government decisions related to it. Finally, how other people perceive and react to the virus and government restrictions.
I stopped and repeated that line to myself, “I cannot control how other people perceive or react to the Coronavirus and subsequent government restrictions limiting personal freedoms.” It was an important realization and opportunity for me to let go of my reactions to other people’s fear and frustration. They were futile and causing me more harm than understanding.
I started another list, this time about the internal forces that I do have control over. I discovered that this was the healthy and empowering activity that I needed in this crisis.
I control my attention and where I choose to place it. Whether that is paying attention to my breathing during a stressful moment or focusing on washing the dishes after lunch, keeping my focus on the present task has had a positive impact on my experience.
I control how I choose to spend my time. Filling my day with activities that produce flow and prioritize balance has had a positive effect on how I perceive the world around me. Creating quiet and reflective moments throughout my day give me the space that I need to seek the meaning of challenging experiences. The more intentional space I create between triggers and reactions the more I can choose my response to the chaos.
I control my intentions when I speak to other people by removing the urge to give advice or apply judgment and focus on listening unconditionally. I choose to withhold my responses and release control of the conversation to embrace the reciprocity that comes when a person seeks their truth. I can give the gift of unconditional listening knowing that I will always need someone to listen to me.
I control my intentions when I speak knowing that what I keep to myself is often more important than what I choose to say. If I do choose to speak, how I deliver my words makes the difference in how it is received.
I control my reaction to events and uncertainty. By choosing to react to challenging situations by going on walks, meditating, journaling, and practicing yoga, I have learned that I can work through the anxiety that stems from each situation and seek clarity from the process.
Coronavirus has taught me about the interconnectedness of the world. How one person’s positive response can have an exponentially positive impact on those around them and even on the other side of the world. Coronavirus has reminded me that I can be judgmental and how I can use listening to learn about the context of why people choose to think and act the way they do. Coronavirus has given me hope that we as a global community will learn from this experience and develop the infrastructure to best serve those in need during critical this time.
That was enough for the day. I decided to rest and accept the changes that the new day would bring. When I woke up in the morning I went for a long walk believing it would be the last walk that I would take for a month and a half. When I returned home, my mind released me from my daydream and I was reintroduced to the impending situation. I tapped into the uncertainty that was gnawing at me to search for details about the confinement in France. I knew that my information was incomplete and I needed to confirm or assuage my suspicions before choosing my reaction. Immediately, I was reminded once again that although my mind can protect me from dangerous situations it is also susceptible to misinformation and this time I was thrilled to be proven wrong.
What I confirmed was that France is in confinement. All public spaces are off-limits. People’s movements are severely restricted. We are only allowed to leave the house for specific reasons. Work (if working from home is impossible), severe family emergencies, if we are going to the grocery store or pharmacy, and if we are exercising alone and close to our home. That means my walks are legal! Although I must carry around a written document that states the intention of any I trip I take out of the house, it is a small price to pay for the ability to go for walks and restore my mental health. The confinement will last for 15 days and although it can be extended it is a far cry from the 45-day rumor. I am disappointed that I will be missing upcoming trips to Versailles, Paris, and Marseilles, but I have my walks. I still have my lifeline.
I believe that Coronavirus is not about me attempting to exert control over the situation as a whole. It is about how I embrace the feeling of uncertainty and channel that energy into curiosity. I cannot control the physical outcomes of this virus nor can I control the outcomes of its lasting impact. I only do what I can. Right now that is following the directions of France’s confinement.
Most importantly, I choose to take part in healthy activities that bring balance back to my life. This creates a little quiet space and a large embrace of the present circumstances which remove Coronavirus's control over how I react to it. I control how I react to the virus and with that direction, I can begin to learn from what other people, communities, the world, and I have to offer. I can find meaning in the details and those small details just might make all the difference in the world.
